The Cuckold and the Ring

The Cuckold and the Ring

Adapted from a tale in, Fabliaux, Ribald tales from the Old French

One thing that really frustrates me as a storyteller is that many people still assume stories are only for children. But I know from my own research finding authentic tales from medieval times and before that many stories were not intended solely for children. Many were intended for a family audience to be told around the hearth. Many developed from moralising sermons for all in the church. But some clearly grew and grew in ribaldry as they were told and retold in the alehouse and were perhaps never ever intended for children's ears at all. Stories like this one adapted from a thirteenth century French fabliaux; a fable told to amuse. And what better way than to mock the old fool who chooses to take a young wife - a stock character in many a medieval tale.....

There was once a rich merchant of Norwich, who brought and sold and sometimes sold and brought  and when he wasn't doing that he would lend money at high interest, for he was only interested in himself.  He was very rich, but unlike his friends who all had large apple cheeked wives whom they draped in fine cloth and jewels to demonstrate their wealth and success, he had not. All his life he had been too busy making coin to marry, for he was a miser. Lets say a bit of a banker. You all know what I mean!

But now he was growing old, cold and achey and he sought the comfort of of young firm flesh and so he set out on the road to find himself a willing young wife. He travelled north, he travelled south, he traveled east and even west, and he met many many a potential mate. Some were pretty, some were plain, but non to his fancy until he met Bess. Never had he seen one as beautiful as this young maid. She was as skittish as a colt as straight as a crossbow bolt.  She was to use an underused term from long ago… Comely to behold.

The merchant had found a wife . They married but they did not live so happily ever after. For his Young Bess had  come hither and come to bed eyes  and the rich merchant began to worry that many another man would come hither when he was away on business. That many another man would come a knocking, come a tupping when he was away making coin. Such were his fears the merchant stopped going on his travels, he even feared to leave his own house lest others come and make him cuckold. Where once he had many chests of coin in his counting house, now he had few and the old merchants friends began to mock him, telling the many tales of old fools who sought young and willing flesh.

The old man did indeed feel foolish, knowing that he should never have married one so young and beautiful, knowing that soon he would not even have enough coin to care for her. Such were his fears that now the old merchant got very little joy from life and even less sleep. Each night he would lie besides the beautiful Bess tossing and turning preying to no one in particular for help, before falling into fitful dream leaden sleep. And this night so tired was he that no sooner had his head hit the pillow than he began to dream.  Dreams of counting coin mostly and as he slept he fingered the chinks with his hands. But then there was a blast of bright light and standing at the the foot of his bed was an angel. A beautiful man with fine wings and a glimmering gown. The angel smiled serenely upon the old man and held out a hand, In which he held a golden ring. And then the angel spoke. I am an angel,  said he to the merchant, But fear not. Rest happy and be of good cheer this night. For take this golden ring and place it upon the middle finger of you right hand and as long as you wear this ring  your wife will never be unfaithful. Now sleep old man, said the Angel. before smiling once more, winking and disappearing before the merchants eyes.

The merchant knew his prayers had been answered. He wiggled and pushed the ring onto the middle finger of his right hand and settled down to sleep. And that night he slept the deep, deep and very sweet, sweet sleep of a happy and contented man. And in the morning the light spilt thru the open window. Birds were singing loudly and cocks were crowing as cocks so often crow in stories. The merchant he woke up feeling oh so much happier, energised even. He lept from his bed, or should I say he made to leap from his bed. For where his legs went, his body would not follow. For his body was attached to his right arm (as most are) His right arm was attached to his right hand and of course his right hand to his fingers. And the right middle finger? Well that was shoved firmly up his wifes arse!

And do you know, whilst he wore that particular ring on his finger the merchant's wife was never ever unfaithful!

Of the Miller Who Stole the Nuts

Chaucer's Miller taken from the 14th Century Ellesmere Manuscript

It is perhaps strange that most of the stories I tell are not about nuts. For nuts were and important part of the medieval diet. Acorns fattened many a pig, whilst walnuts were candied in honey and served as a treat for the rich. Almonds were ground to make a milk used in cooking and many a Dr of Physick thought that nuts were good for the health. Their dry humors helped balance the more moist humors that could upset the stomach. Nuts were an important part of the medieval menu. And many a medieval man liked nuts, although some did not as you will hear from my story….

For once long ago there was a rich farmer who had great love of nuts! He planted trees of filberts and other nut trees in his orchard that he tended carefully all his life. Indeed, so great was the farmers love of nuts that when he died he had a great bag of them buried with him in his grave. A great bag of nuts to take with him to the next life.

But the local miller, a grinder of grain and well known for the wearing of a white coat was also a lover of nuts. The very night of the very day that the farmer was buried with his nuts the miller went to the farmers orchard to steal some filberts for himself. Well on the way he met his friend the taylor, a maker of clothes and well known for the wearing of a black coat and who like the miller was a thief in the making. For having heard of the farmers death and having no liking for nuts, he choose instead to steal one of the dead mans sheep.

And so it was the two men decided that each would go about his business, the miller stealing the nuts, the taylor stealing the sheep and then by way of celebration they would meet in the church porch. Whosoever arrives at the porch first, says the miller, must wait for the other and then we’ll away to the alehouse. Both agreed and went about their thievery and it happened that it was the miller was quick to steal his nuts! He arrived at the church porch first and whilst waiting for the taylor he decided to crack and eat some of his ill gotten gains.

Well it happened that it was nine of the clock at night. The time when the sexton, the man who buried the dead was to ring the curfew bell, telling all it was time to leave the streets. But as he walked towards the church, he heard a strange tap. tap tapping and crack, crack, cracking coming from the porch and when he looked into the porch he saw a man all in white cracking nuts, breaking them open upon the hard stone pavement. ARRRRGH cried the sexton, it’s the ghost of the farmer, the farmer risen from his grave in search of more nuts! And with that he ran quickly home and told his ancient father all that he had seen and all that he had heard. Well, when the sextons father heard all that the sexton had to say, he did not believe him and wished to see for himself. But the old man was lame, he could not walk and so needed his son the sexton to carry him. And so it was father and son set out for the church yard, the father riding upon the sons back.

The miller was still sitting in the porch, still waiting for his friend the taylor and still eating his nuts, when he looked up and saw someone coming, someone carrying something on his back. And thinking it was his friend the taylor carrying a stolen sheep he stood up and called out, Is he good and fat this fellow you carry, for I could do with a feast! and when the sexton heard the miller speak he thought that it was the dead farmer and he threw his lame father from his back. Fat or lean, says he to the miller, you can have him, just don’t have me, and with that he ran away, leaving his father on the road. But by a miracle the old man was cured. He got up and ran away as fast if not faster than his son. Both ran away.

Well the miller when he saw there were two men, the one running after the other, he thought that someone was chasing his friend the taylor; that someone must have seen him stealing the sheep! And so it was he was sore afraid for he felt certain that if the taylor was caught then he would tell on the miller. If the taylor is caught thought the miller, he will blab. He will tell how I stole the nuts! And in such a fright was he that the miller ran home leaving all the stolen nuts behind.

Well it was just a little while later that the taylor returned to the porch with the stolen sheep and when he found all the nutshells he saw that the miller must have been waiting some time, before he got bored and went home to his mill. But what's this, wondered the taylor, the miller had left the uneaten nuts the whole bag is still here, and so it was he decided to take the nuts to the millers house. He took up the stolen sheep upon his back and went towards the mill.

Meanwhile the sexton ran to the house of the priest and told him all that he had seen and all that he had heard. The farmer is risen from the grave, says he, and now he wanders abroad cracking his nuts and seeking out the flesh of living men! Well when the priest heard all that the sexton had to say he was more than a little afraid, but decided that as a man of the cloth it was his duty to exorcise the ghost off the farmer. To put an end to the unholy cracking of nuts! And so it was he put on his surplice of white linen and the other clothes of a priest and along with the sexton went back towards the church.

But on the road to the churchyard, they met the taylor who was on his way to the mill and the taylor thinking that the priest in his white surplice was the miller in his white coat he called out to him, By God, I have him, I have him firmly in my grasp, meaning the sheep that he carried on his back. But the priest seeing the taylor all dressed in black with a white thing squirming and wriggling upon his back, he felt certain that it was the Devil! The Devil himself carrying off the spirit of the dead farmer to Hell! ARRRRGH cried the priest I knew no good would come of the unholy eating of nuts! He ran away, whilst the sexton he too ran away as fast if not faster than the priest!

The taylor seeing two men running; the one running after the other, he thought surely someone must be chasing his friend the miller, that someone must have seen him stealing the nuts! He felt sore afraid, for he felt certain that if the miller was caught then he would tell on the taylor… If the miller is caught, thought the taylor, then he is sure to squeal, he will tell how I stole the sheep! And so it was he decided to give chase, to run to the mill, for that is where the miller was sure to go.

The taylor ran to the mill and seeing no one outside he beat loudly upon the door and called to his friend, By God I have caught one of them, says he, I have him tied fast by the legs, meaning the sheep that he carried upon his back. But the miller who was inside the mill hearing the words thought it was the local constable talking and that he had caught the taylor for stealing the sheep, and that he had the taylor tied up fast by his legs. That he had caught the taylor and now he the constable had come for the miller, too arrest him for stealing the nuts! ARRRGH cried the miller and he ran out the back door of the mill as fast as he could.

And so it was the miller ran down the very road that the priest and the sexton were running up and they seeing a man in white and thinking it to be the dead farmer who must have escaped from the Devil, the sexton ran one way whilst the priest he jumped into a ditch. But the ditch was deep and the priest would surely drown and so it was he screamed out at the top of his voice, Help, help, for Gods sake help me. The taylor having heard the back door of the mill slam shut, having ran round the mill and seen the miller running one way, the sexton running the other and having heard the priest calling for help, thought that it must be the constable with men from the village, and all of them after him! And so it was that he threw the stolen sheep down to the ground and he too ran away. The taylor he ran here, the miller he ran there and the sexton, well he ran everywhere, whilst the priest remained in the ditch. And if you had been out that night; the night of the day that they buried the farmer and if you had seen all that went on that night, then you would have surely thought that each and every one; the miller, the taylor, the Sexton and the priest were well and truly……NUTS!